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Early on in their 6-year relationship, Alex Blumenthaler and his partner exchanged gifts for many holidays. However, as the couple grew closer, it became increasingly difficult for the pair to find meaningful gifts that would truly surprise the other without asking directly, which took away the surprise and their joy of gifting. They also grew frustrated with the excessive consumerism they witnessed around the holidays.
The 30-year-old software developer and his girlfriend, who are based in Atlanta, started to realize that they valued quality time far more than material items. “We prioritize saving money for experiences while limiting the number of gifts we get for each other,” Blumenthaler said.
The couple decided to forgo Christmas gifts altogether last year, choosing to give each other the gift of a weekend getaway to another part of the state. “The memories we made were the perfect gift we gave to ourselves, and we might just take the same trip again this year,” he said.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by gift giving this holiday season, adopting Blumenthaler’s approach of eliminating or even limiting gift exchanges in favor of shared experiences might help create new holiday traditions.
Researchers have found that people give gifts for three main reasons: to bring joy to the recipient, to feel good about themselves, and to express a certain level of intimacy. However, gift giving doesn’t always create the desired outcome for the giver and recipient.
The act of gift giving — especially beyond your circle of close family and friends — can be a source of stress, whether it’s for financial reasons or the challenge of choosing something you’re sure the recipient will enjoy.
Some people have eliminated gift giving entirely, shifting their focus to shared experiences such as traveling, donating to charitable organizations, or both. As families grow from two married adults to larger households with multiple children, others have reduced their circle of giving. Some limit their gifting to only immediate family members or to children, or set up a gift exchange where adults pick another adult’s name out of a hat.
Cutting down your gift-giving list can make the holidays less stressful when the tradition has become an obligation rather than a joyful experience. “There are reasons that people could say no to gift giving that help us refocus on the relationships,” said Morgan Ward, assistant professor of marketing at Emory University’s Goizueta Business School in Atlanta.
The act of exchanging gifts can feel like it’s more about adhering to holiday customs than meaningful gestures. But if you want to make a change, it’s possible it will be welcomed.
Naviating the discomfort of setting boundaries around gift-giving traditions can be challenging. But approaching the conversation with kindness and openness can help others to better understand your perspective. “Being upfront and honest and suggesting to your friends that everyone skips the gift-giving ceremony and have a small or large celebration, honoring the friendship, instead is perfectly understandable,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas.
For those who still value gift giving, referencing the different love languages can be a thoughtful way to broach the topic. “If we both acknowledge that we show love in different ways, it’s OK for you to buy me something and for me to give you the thing that’s connecting to me, like love or service,” said Ward.
If you’re ready to reshape your gift-giving traditions this season, consider inspiring others to explore other meaningful ways to connect. And if you’re looking to strengthen your connections, offering to spend quality time with someone is a great place to start. “Time is the ultimate signal of your connection with someone,” Ward said.
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